It’s not an easy decision, but just when is it okay to phone work and tell them you’re sick?
Aside from just dreaming of a decision-free day, there’s inevitably going to be times you’re actually not well enough offer your highest possible contribution, which, let’s face it isn’t that high.
And although it probably seems like that’s all the time, there are some challenges that mean it’s best to let the duvet decide your diary – another chance to pass the buk.
Don’t go to work if you’re not thinking straight
If you find yourself being more decisive than usual, do everything you can to avoid all contact with your work crew.
If, like me, skulking around in the corner appeals far more than crafting your contribution, you’ll just end up contributing more than you want to.
And people will start to expect it. Imagine that shit storm.
Dizzy? Take a detour to bed and stay there
Christ there’s nothing worse than propping yourself up against the printer as Mandy from Comms tries to tell you why her weekend was shit.
Whilst you drift in and out of consciousness nodding in agreement – now’s not the time to stand up and be a pal.
Nod, just nod. Or better still, turn over and sip your tea, ‘cus you’re a badass and you didn’t go to work.
If you’re feeling emotional, cry at home
It’s even okay to deliver uncontrollable howls of dispair at realising you’re 40, trapped in a mid-level Marketing position and have the inexpressive face of a 61 year old.
There’s always someone who did even worse than you. That’s the thing about being upset at work.
It makes you unpredictable. You’re not thinking straight. You just might forcibly deliver the steely, decisive aggression that you see from your ultimately more successful colleagues.
Fuck ‘em. Stay at home and cry, work on your 2020 ‘being anonymous and on the fence strategy’.
You’ll get sacked for being drunk at work (maybe)
“You’re drunk Andy, go home ”Said no one ever. You know why? Andy’s fucking hilarious when he’s drunk. And people love him.
Ever wondered how differently your career would’ve turned out if you’d had just a little more ‘Jason from Underwriting just vomited in the car park again’ about you?
Of course you do, because you know you’re at your best when you’ve had a few.
Hangovers? Now that’s a different story – you probably won’t go in, but you deserve to, you’ll just be moving around at home trying to figure out if 9 Stellas on Sunday night is a ‘problem’.
You got lucky last night
Well you definitely didn’t. But let’s just pretend for a minute that you’re muff-diving like DeCaprio did in the naughties.
You’re not, because you’re a saggy-faced and slightly overweight Marketing professional who might as well have NSOC (no sense of contribution) on his Tinder profile.
Fucks sake Nigel, get a grip. But let’s say you did.
Full of energy and exhuberance, there’s every chance you’ll revel in your premiscuous prime and become uber productive in meetings, even contributing something.
To the extent that, back at your desk you may as well consider a new career, just in case, you know – you failed to agree with your bosses ignorant decisions.
How can you look at yourself in the mirror? Easy, because it’s in your bathroom, at home. And you’re still trying to get last night’s Stella off your breath.
Five top reasons to cancel your commute. Peace.